I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
