u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
