I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
