is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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