I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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