The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
