Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
