I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
