Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
