Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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