Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
