Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
