i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
