There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
