Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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