Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
