BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What a dumb baby whore.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
