so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You pole danced in your parka.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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