Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
