Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that's an acceptable place to lick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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