woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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