I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
