I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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