Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
