My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
