He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My ATM looks so different sober.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
