Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Randomize
