I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
