I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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