dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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