Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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