I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
