at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
