She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
