just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
