I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
