My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
