is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
