I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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