Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
