Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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