Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
