Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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