The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
