How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
