His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
