we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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