I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
