I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
