It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
