We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
