What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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