Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
